Prayer and Answers

"Perhaps there has never been a time when we had greater need to pray and to teach our family members to pray. Prayer is a defense against temptation. It is through earnest and heartfelt prayer that we can receive the needed blessings and the support required to make our way in this sometimes difficult and challenging journey we call mortality.”

Three Goals to Guide You Thomas S. Monson

 

"We are told in the scriptures that Satan will tempt us in the last days before the Savior comes again. For this reason, our children need to know that God and Jesus Christ will always love them and answer their prayers. This knowledge will bring them abiding strength.”

Teaching by Faith Robert D. Hales

 

I've felt impressed to share some experiences that we have had as a family, so here we go.

 

Three weeks ago, we were having an up and down week with Kalie.  I was starting to feel like we had wasted our money. I was feeling a little doubtful that what we were doing was actually working.  I was worried that they would tell us she needs another round of Brain Balance, and I knew that that was something we COULD NOT afford, period.  Things just seemed to be working against my faith.  All the kids seemed to be extra crazy a particular night, and I knew I was losing my patience and so did Charlie.  He told me to go have some time alone, so I went into my bedroom, locked the door, and dramatically threw myself onto the bed.  Ok, maybe not so dramatically, but I laid down and did what I usually do in these stressful times.  I started to pour my heart out, to my Heavenly Father.  I was scared.  I just didn't know what we were going to do, and how we would do it.  I didn't know how I was going to endure.  I remember asking for guidance and strength.  The next day was mother's day.  I told Kalie that all I wanted was for her to be happy all day.  She was.  It didn't stop that night though.  She did a complete 360.  All week, she was so happy.  She was helpful, and kind.  She did all of her exercises, everyday, without complaining.  It was so crazy.   I started to see my prayer being answered.  I had this calm feeling that everything would be ok, that we wouldn't have to do another round, and that everything would work out how its supposed to and when its supposed to.  

 

I've said many times that this is an expensive program, not only the program, but also the food.  They aren't kidding when they say it's expensive to eat healthy, which is really unfortunate in my opinion. They preach and preach that everyone needs to eat organic but then make it $2 more than you would normally pay! Nobody wants weird preservatives, words they can't even pronounce, in the food they give their kids but let's be honest, not everyone is able to afford the organic food.   In the past month, and in the month to come, Charlie has been able to pick up ALOT of overtime and ALOT of callout.  Now, it took my husband to bring this to my attention that this overtime and callout really is an answer to our prayers and a huge blessing.  Last week he worked so much that I could count on my two hands the time we saw him.  It was hard.  It is really a blessing, though, that he has this job that he is allowed to pick up this extra work, and the situations that made it possible. 

 

Last week, Wednesday, Kalie came home from Brain Balance extra hungry.  Charlie had gone into work early this day so I was trying to get her through her homework and do some exercises all while trying to get dinner made, fast.   She started to cry and repeatedly told me how hungry she was and was just getting frustrated.  She couldn't calm herself down, and I was feeling a little frantic.  4:30 pm and on is the witching hour for my kids.  It's just a crazy time!  I felt myself getting angry and losing patience and then we started yelling at eachother. I had to stop this.  I stopped and asked Kalie to go to her room and pray, I was going to say a prayer myself.  At first she refused.  She said she didn't feel like praying, she didn't want to pray, she didn't know how to pray.  I just told her to talk to Heavenly Father and ask him to help her and us.  I sat down, gave her some time.  I honestly didn't think she was going to do it.  She got quiet though.  I still thought 'Oh she has probably calmed herself down and is reading or something' but when I peeked in, I saw her on her knees, by her bed, praying.  This was such an amazing thing to witness.   She came out a few minutes later, completely calm, and ready to start over. 

 

These experiences have been so humbling.  Like the quote above says, " ' It is through earnest and heartfelt prayer that we can receive the needed blessings and the support required to make our way in this sometimes difficult and challenging journey we call mortality.' ”  I truly believe that with all my heart.  I've never felt closer to Heavenly Father than I have these last 6 months or so.  I know that it is because of the prayers that we have said, individually, and as a family, and those said on our behalf. He has answered our prayers in so many different ways and it has been an experience full of gratitude and humility.  I am so grateful that we have been able to have these experiences as a family, that we have been able to grow, and the knowledge that we will continue to grow forever, together.

Progress and Reintroduction

I met with Briana, the director at Brain Balance, on Friday to discuss Kalie's progress for the second month.  She is still doing so good.  I don't remember if I already said this, but they were thinking of switching her exercises during her time at Brain Balance to target her right side.  The reason they were thinking of doing this is because Kalie's behavior was still up and down and they have had to do a stair step method before to balance the brain.  Basically, her left side could've been getting hyper stimulated.   It seems to have helped because she has been really good.  Don't get me wrong, we have had days when she is emotional but there were always other obvious causes.  I knew, for sure, that she was extra tired on some of those days.  She also complained about being hungry still right after she ate her snack.  I found out she hadn't been eating her cashews (I tried a new kind, she didn't like them) so she was having "the crash" from not enough protein. 

The other day I was thinking, you know, she is a six almost seven year old.  They are going to have attitude at some times.  There are times when I think she is going backwards but it could possibly be a typical seven year old behavior.  I've seen plenty of kids her age give a little sass and stubbornness at some point.  And honestly, the girl has those two traits streaming through her blood so.. too bad for her future husband?  No, I'm just kidding.. maybe ; I have just learned to not instantly think the worse possibility. 

Kalie has about 5 weeks left of Brain Balance. Now that her behavior has leveled out, we have decided to start her food reintroduction.  She has 13 foods to reintroduce.  After we have been doing the introductions for a little while, we will also be able to have foods off of her mild list like a normal food (every other day)! We just have to watch to make sure she isn't reacting.  Since we have such a short time left with Brain Balance and so many foods to introduce, we are going to do 2 foods a week.  One every four days.  This is how it works:  We give her food, and a lot of it, throughout the day.  Then for 3 days after she can't have it again.  During those 3 days we are looking for backwards behavior, bad school work.  If there aren't any reactions, we can move forward to the next food.  If we do notice extreme reactions she isn't supposed to have that food again for another 30 days.  Today we started with garlic.  If all goes well, we will move on to almond.  It's all very exciting to me.  I'm really excited for Kalie to have more food in her diet and I'm just hoping that she won't react to anything. 

Through this whole process Kalie has been such a trooper, and so willing to follow these diet guidelines. Now that we are so close to the end, I have been noticing (and hearing) that she is wanting what everyone else is eating.  I've tried so hard here at home to make things fair as far as eating goes. I've altered tons of recipes, and tried (and failed) tons of new ones. I've learned to make vegan bread, and we call it her "special bread".  I just can't seem to figure out other vegan baked goods though.  I've tried and failed.  She has asked me several times when she is going to get to eat cupcakes or ' I wish I could have a cupcake'.   It's just been getting to me lately.  Yesterday, at our family dinner, I had to sneak away into the bathroom while everyone was eating dessert.  I was helping everyone get their ice cream or cake and I looked over and saw Kalie with her all fruit popsicle, which she really does like, staring at all her siblings and cousins eating their normal desserts.  For that one second,  I could see in her eyes, the longing to eat what everyone else was eating. I could tell that she wanted it more than normal and she couldn't.  I could tell that she felt a little sad, in that one second, but that she knew she had to push that aside and eat her popsicle.  So I snuck into the bathroom and took some really deep breaths so that I didn't break down in front of everyone.   I'm just ready, not for myself, but for her. 

Mothers

Today is Mother's Day. 

I wanted to take the time to recognize all the mothers that have guided me.  First, my mother.  I am truly grateful to have a mother that cares.  We have been through so much-ups and downs, and she is still always around for me.  She is such a caring grandmother to my children, and has always been willing to watch them or help me after I've had a baby, bring in food, clean.  So thank you, mom.  I love you. 

Next, my amazing sister.  Where do I start?  I have always looked up to my sister.  We are 9 years apart so growing up, we weren't that close.  She went away to college when I was 9.  I LOVED when she came back home, especially when I was older so I could borrow some of her cool college clothes.  When I became a mother, we had an even greater bond. We even had three pregnancies at the same time-each time our due dates were 3 weeks apart! She has helped me more than she could ever know.  Love you, Marchelle.

I am also grateful for my mother in law. She raised such a hard working boy, and I believe my husband is the way he is now because of her.  He tells me all the time that they had to clean everyday because his mom "made them."  Well, I'm thankful for that.  His normal everyday chores were more tedious than my once a week Saturday chores and it shows.  He cleans way better than me. It's almost annoying how he can clean the entire kitchen and mop and clean the living room and the bathrooms in 2 hours.  I can barely do that in a whole day.  He gives his all into everything he does.

I am grateful to my sweet grandmothers.  They raised amazing children.  They were and are amazing examples of charity, kindness, love. 

And lastly, I wanted to share a few words with all of you mothers reading this. 

While this journey has definitely not been an easy one, I really wouldn't want to be anywhere else but here.  I'm not going to say that I wouldn't change a thing, because that would be a lie.  We are mothers.  There are always going to be things we would've gone back and changed.  We wouldn't have lost our temper over the chocolate milk that was just spilled down a brand new white shirt.  We wouldn't have resorted to spanking when we felt like nothing else was working.  We wouldn't have yelled at our kids.  We would've tried to understand them first, before getting angry.  It's how it is though, and we move forward. 

 

I am 26 years old.  I was 19 when I had Kalie.  I was young and inexperienced.  But it was life changing.  For the first few years, I would often think of all my friends that were living a "normal college life."  I would be envious of them.  Those years are the years that you're supposed to find yourself, find out who you are and mature.  I had to mature on June 30, 2006, a year after I graduated high school, when they laid that little baby girl into my trembling arms.  I no longer had to worry about just myself, but a sweet child of God that had been given to me.   I remember when I had that moment though.  The moment when I realized, as hard as this is, as much as I would like to be able to go out whenever I wanted to, I am so content with this blessing called motherhood.   I remember feeling so grateful that I am able to have children, when I've seen so many others bear the heartache of not being able to.   With each child I have had, I have become a little more understanding of all mothers.  I have felt hurt, pain, confusion, depression, sadness, anguish, loneliness, cried numerous amounts of tears-of pain and joy,  felt inadequate to be a mother.  I know all of you have felt these things and more.   While I've been writing this blog I have wanted to help and relate to mothers going through similar experiences, but I hope that even if you don't have a child with different issues, you can be inspired as well.   I hope  you can know it's ok to feel these things, because all of us mothers do.  What I have learned though, in my 7 years of parenting, is that we can't believe those feelings of inadequacy, or that we are alone, like no one can relate.  We must press on and find joy in our journeys. We can all relate to each other in some way. Think of how much joy there is in this journey of motherhood.  The joyous times we have had with Kalie are what I cling to.  I know that they are there and I will not stop until I find them again.  I am so grateful for the laughs and the hugs, the silly times, dancing and singing together, times spent reading together, coloring together.  I am grateful for all you mothers doing your best, and fulfilling your calling of being a mother.  You are all examples to me in some way. 

 

 Have any of you read the book I Am A Mother by Jane Clayson Johnson?  If you haven't, I suggest you go read it, now.  This book was so inspiring to me and really helped me understand motherhood more, and realize how many moms feel the exact same way.   There is a story in it about a young divorced mother of seven children and this is her story:  "' As I turned around to walk back home, I could see my house lighted up.   I could hear echoes of my children as I had walked out of the door a few minutes earlier.  They were saying: "Mom, what are we going to have for dinner?" "Can you take me to the library?" "I have to get some poster paper tonight." Tired and weary, I looked at that house and saw the light on in each other rooms.  I thought of all those children who were home waiting for me to come and meet their needs.  My burdens felt heavier than I could bear. 

 " 'I remember looking through tears toward the sky, and I said, "Dear Father, I just can't do it tonight.  I'm too tired.  I can't face it.  I can't go home and take care of all those children alone.  Could I just come to You and stay with You for just one night? I'll come back in the morning." 

" 'I didn't really hear the words of reply, but I heard them in my mind.  The answer was: "No, little one, you can't come to me now.  You would never wish to come back.  But I can come to you'".

 

I just love this!  I have definitely thought this before, yesterday, in fact.  It's so easy to want to remove yourself just for a night from the busyness of being a mother.  Then I read quotes like this from Sheri Dew: "'it's no wonder that Satan has declared war on motherhood.  He knows that those who rock the cradle can rock his earthly empire.  And he knows that without righteous mothers loving and leading the next generation, the kingdom of God will fail.  When we understand the magnitude of motherhood, it becomes clear why prophets have been so protective of woman's most sacred role'".  When I read this quote, I remember my purpose.  I remember just how important it is that I remain righteous and loving, for my children, for Kalie.  I have to strongly declare "I am a mother" and follow the examples of all the mothers in my life.

 

 Happy Mother's Day everyone.

Listen to my favorite mothers day song ever!

What's next?

I had a meeting yesterday with Amy and the purpose of the meeting was to discuss how we were going to reintroduce foods next week. We have been up and down this last week with behavior and her school work. Our plan was to take garlic and hazelnut out to see if that would help.  We didn't see much change with that.  With talking to Amy and Brianna at Brain Balance we decided there could be different reasons for this change in Kalie. 

1. She might not be getting enough to eat and is hungry.  (She has complained about being hungry right after eating) 

2. She could also be tired.  Kalie has really long days.  Mondays she is up at 6:30, gets out of school at 2:11, goes straight to Brain Balance until 3:30, comes home and does homework and BB exercises, then has a baseball game at either 5:15 or 6:30 for an hour.  Now I see HALT coming into play.  Remember HALT? Hungry, angry, lonely, tired. 

3. Yesterday we decided that I haven't been doing her diet 100% like I thought.  The sugar intake was higher than it should be, and it could be affecting her. 

4. Brianna said that sometimes the left brain gets hyper-stimulated and they have to balance it more with the right brain by doing right brain exercises. 

    There are several different possible culprits. For now, we decided that we are going to keep a food log for 2 more weeks to make sure that I am keeping her mild food to twice a day.  I am also going to give her a lot more with her meals.  As in, giving her more quantity.  I gave her ALOT with her meals today and she was so good! I don't know if that is what it is yet, we will have to see after I make it a habit.  We had a complete 360 today though.  She was so pleasant this morning, she was happy after school, after Brain Balance, all night.  She even did ALL of her exercises.  She told me she loves me. It was just like a few weeks ago and I hope that we can keep it up. 

  So I know you're all wondering, what's next?  So far, this is what we know is next.  For the two weeks we will keep the food log.  We will make sure to keep to the two days a week for the mild list.  We're going to try to avoid untested foods as well.  That one is pretty hard and I'm not super worried about that one.  After the two weeks, if we've noticed a change in Kalie, we will start introducing foods starting with her moderate list.  She has 13 foods to reintroduce.  Normally, we have been told, they like to do one food a week.  For Kalie, we are going to introduce two a week.  One every 4 days really.  So we'll introduce almonds then she won't have them again for the 3 days in between. If she is good, with no reaction, we will introduce another food.

   The thought of reintroducing foods is so exciting for me!  Yes, this hasn't been super hard but it will be nice to have more options.  (Please let corn and vanilla be ok!!)  Charlie was just saying how much he misses red meat.  It's been a minute since we had a good steak.  I think a trip to Texas de Brazil is in the works for Charlie and me. ;)

Nutrition update

Two weeks ago was our 'Week 4' and it was rough, but then we moved on and things were good.  Then Friday she started acting out again-saying mean things, yelling, fighting, defying us.  She failed her comprehension test that I thought she would for sure ace.  We read that story everyday and she knew it back and forth. What the heck?  We've had to fight her everyday this week to get her to do her exercises.  She's doing things intentionally again, knowing that it will hurt our feelings.  Yesterday, I was scared.  As I sat there holding her down, trying to get her to breath and calm down, all I could think of was how I couldn't go back to where we were.  That was our deciding factor in signing her up at Brain Balance.  We couldn't live that life anymore.  So I was scared.  And the what ifs started to pop up.  What if it didn't work?  What if we are just meant to have that life?  What if we failed? 

  I have felt so much pressure from all directions, working against us.  I have given in at times.  Things have started to go backwards.  Last night I was just worn out.  Things had been going so well and having 4 days of our old life was just exhausting and had really caught up to me.  There had to be answer for this though.  There's no way that we had seen so much change and her academics had gone up all by luck?    There had to be an explanation.

  We have really learned so much from our nutritionist, Amy.  She has opened our minds to the fact that foods CAN really alter how you act and have an effect on your brain.  I believe a lot of our success is due to the changes we have made in her diet.  We have been doing everything right but what about food?  Could that be why she's been acting differently?  Nutritionists are trained to blame everything on food.  That's their job . A lot of people might think that way of thinking is ridiculous and that's ok.  But for us, we have adopted the attitude that food does affect your brain.  Last night I had to sit down and try to find what new food we had introduced Into Kalie's diet or if there is something on her mild list that she might be having too much of that could possibly be closer to moderate than mild.  Thursday I found some hazelnut milk at Fresh and Easy.  We still haven't found a white milk that she loves so I thought we would try this one out.  She ended up really liking it so I was giving it her everyday, especially since we had run out of chocolate rice milk.  I had nothing else to rotate it with, but I didn't think it would be a big deal.  Then I thought about dinners.  Everything I had made for the past days had garlic in some form.  Garlic is on her mild list but before we started her new diet I cooked with garlic ALL THE TIME.  Think about it.  How many recipes of yours don't call for garlic?  I could probably count it on one hand.  So I'm starting to think that maybe garlic should be on her moderate list.  Remember, casein (dairy) and gluten were just mild reactions but since she had them everyday they were put on the moderate list. 

I emailed Amy last night and asked her thoughts about putting garlic on her moderate list and avoiding the hazelnut.  She agreed with me and thought it would be a good idea.  We're going to go ahead and do it.  Then we'll be able to see how she acts.  If nothing changes then maybe it's something else that we need to change.  Maybe I need to rotate her meals more.   We won't stop until we are sure. 

I used to think, I can't wait until this diet is over.  There is still some things that I really can't wait to introduce to her again. Dairy is one, corn is another because there is cornstarch in so much.  I think, though, that I will keep doing most of the diet forever.  It really isn't too hard.  There is so much that you can do. It makes sense to me.  It makes sense to me to give her more substance to her snacks instead of just a fruit snack or some crackers so that she doesn't crash during the day and get upset. There is a lot of prejudice when it comes to gluten free or high fructose corn syrup or artificial flavors.  I even had those same prejudices.  We can live without soda though.  We don't have to have candy or dessert after every meal. We can live without all the added stuff in pre packaged stuff.   There are substitutes for those anyways, homemade always tastes better.

 I want to get to where she's not sad that she can't have sugary things and she would choose for herself to have fruit instead or nuts instead.  Food isn't as important to me as having a happy family is.  I hope that with these little tweaks we can begin moving forward again and continue on with success and having a happy, healthy Kalie. 

Lately we've been riding a rollercoaster

  You know how when you are on the rollercoaster, sitting next to your friend, getting all excited and nervous at the same time about what's about to happen?  That's how I feel our journey with Brain Balance started.  Then the cars start moving, so slowly-climbing and climbing the huge incline.  As you're going up this big climb you start to second guess your decision of riding the rollercoaster but at this point there is no turning back, you have to be brave.  What are we doing? This might be harder than we thought.  You finally reach the top of the incline and then all of a sudden the cars are moving faster and before you know it your car is now dropping down the big drop and you feel your stomach rise and you can't think anymore, you just scream.  Now you're speeding-up and down, twisting and turning. You're actually having fun! This is going great, we can do this, what a rush to feel success.  Then comes an even bigger incline and you can't see the bottom yet.  You're nervous again.  And for a second you think you're crazy for wanting to do this, but you're a thrill seeker so you want to see how fast you're going to go down this huge drop, and what's at the bottom.  This week isn't going so great again, why are we doing this? What other option do we have, we have to get to the end.  You hit the bottom of the drop, do a few more twists and then the cars all slow down, and you come to a stop. You turn to your friend and just start laughing.  That was crazy!  You cant believe that you just rode that huge rollercoaster, that you were brave enough to do that.  My hope is that when we come to the end of our rollercoaster we can turn to each other and laugh.  That we can look back and say "I can't believe we just did that! We were brave enough to do it!"