Aware

Did you know that October is ADHD Awareness Month and also National Bullying Prevention Month?  I didn't know either until the public relations from Brain Balance contacted us and let us know that to help raise awareness for these things, they wanted Kalie to appear with Dr. DeVito (the director at Brain Balance) on the Fox 5 News More Show.  This past Monday, Kalie did just that.  She was so, so nervous.  She didn't talk the entire time we were there.  As soon as we left the studio she took a deep breath and said " Mom, that was soo cool! I want to go on TV everyday".  It was a fun experience, and so cool to raise awareness. 
    Since going through this journey with Kalie I have become much more aware of children with learning challenges, and much more sympathetic.  It is so important to me that these children get the help they need and that they are not judged for things that they didn't choose to have.   The biggest way to help is to be encouraging and to have PATIENCE.  Believe me, when I say, that patience is key to helping children like Kalie.  When we have bad days I look back at my behavior, not just Kalie's.  Was I patient enough with her today?  If the answer was no, then that's probably why she was quick to get angry, because I was quick to get angry.  Not all kids learn the same way.  Some things aren't going to come to them as quickly as a child that's completely balanced, and we need to be aware of that, and have patience with them.  
   I think that sometimes, a lot of times, these children are so misunderstood.  Like I said, they didn't choose to be that way and it's frustrating to them as well that they have a harder time at things that are easy for the child sitting next to them.   Just yesterday, Kalie asked us why she was born the way she was.  It took all my strength to hold back my shaky voice and tears.  Through this process, the question has come up "Why can't I have that to eat and they can?" and so to answer her question I would tell her it was just the way the Heavenly Father made her.  The answer was always good enough for her and I never thought she would ask why Heavenly Father made her that way.   I looked at her father, hoping he would have something quick and genius to say but..he didn't.  I looked at her and told her "Heavenly Father knew that you would be a strong enough little girl to be able to eat different things and handle it, when other little girls wouldn't be strong enough like her."   It seemed to help because she smiled and moved on saying "Did you know that I tied running with a boy today?"  :)  
   She's definitely aware that she has some challenges that not everyone has and so I feel that more than ever, I need to be her #1 fan and encourage her so that she can have confidence, especially as she gets older.  
   So as this month goes on, please be aware.  If you are a teacher, try not to get so frustrated with the child that is disruptive, unfocused, the child that is easy to upset or lay their head down in frustration.  Please try to be patient and be aware.  Please remember that that little boy, or little girl just needs a little extra time, some encouragement.  It really wouldn't be the end of the world to give it, would it?  If you are in a store and see a mom with four kids and one is acting out, please don't judge (the child or the mom).  Instead, be aware that maybe that child has ADHD.  These kids need us to be their support, they need us to be aware. 

For more info on how to help go here.

New school year

So tomorrow is the first day of second grade for Kalie.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.  Since finishing Brain Balance there have been many ups and downs.  We had weeks where we were so good at doing her at home exercises and then we would slack off.  We had days when all we seemed to do was fight and then others it would be a perfect day.  It was a long summer and I felt like I had to keep up with so much still.  Swim lessons, piano lessons, vacations, play time, exercises, Kalie's diet.  I'm nervous that things might go back to bad.  There's just that little part in the back of my mind, that flashes the 'what ifs'.  What if Ms. B told her new teacher bad things?  What if her new teacher already has low expectations of Kalie because of the things she heard?  What if she has trouble academically again?  What if we fight constantly over homework again?  What if, what if, what if? 

Then I have to stop myself.  I have to remind myself the amazing progress we made together and how she is still progressing, even if there have been a few set backs.  The other day she read a book to me and her brother and I was amazed.  It had been so long since I sat down to listen to her read a book ALL the way through.  She read it smoothly and clearly, even had the correct inflection.  I was so proud of her and even got a little teary eyed.  She is ready. 

We met her teacher on Friday and I was very pleased.  She seems like a perfect fit for Kalie and the class looks orderly which was definitely not the case last year.  She said something during her introduction that gave me a sense of reassurance.  She said "Some kids will be reading chapter books right now and some might not, we have a wide range of reading levels"  It just made me think that, not only for reading, but for all academics and in life, there is always going to be a wide range of levels.  There is always going to be someone who is reading faster, or doing harder math problems, or running faster, or playing better.  It occurred to me then that I am just grateful that she is able to do all those things, at her own pace.  I am grateful for who she is and who she is becoming.  I am grateful to be able to start a new school year with her and can't wait for her adventures this year.  The fact that she is so excited for school and hasn't let last year ruin her is inspiring to me, and I can't wait! Good luck to all of you with your new school year!

The beginning

Today was Kalie's final day of Brain Balance so I almost named this post "The end" .  It seemed fitting.  The end of that chapter in our lives.  Through this journey, though, I have come to see things in a different light.  More optimistic, maybe?  Waking up today, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I was kind of giddy.  Were we really here?  Was this really her last day? 

   Well, let me back up a little.. I actually started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel yesterday, when we were able to introduce the first food off her severe list.  Corn.  Who knew I would be so excited to bring corn back. We had corn on the cob for lunch that day, and as the girls were shucking the corn Kalie got a little sad and said " Oh man, I can't have corn on the cob."  When I told her that we were introducing corn that day she was thrilled!  She was also able to have natural corn tortilla chips, and chicken fajitas on a baked corn tortilla with black bean and corn salsa!  I felt like a cook again.  It was wonderful.  I have missed it.  I've missed all the different elements of cooking and the combinations you can do.  Monday we get to bring back egg whites.  Eggs again for breakfast, for baking!  Crossing our fingers with these severe food introductions that all will go well.  We did have a reaction with almonds; she was really mean and disobedient and angry for about 3 days.

 

 When we dropped Kalie off at Brain Balance today, I drove away feeling kind of bittersweet, maybe a little nervous.  I even got a little emotional.  Even now, as I try to type my feelings out, I'm having a hard time finding the right words.  This place, that we had no idea about 3 months ago, has become kind of a safe place to me.  I knew when I dropped Kalie off she was happy.  She loved it there.  She loved her teachers there.  She felt welcome there.  I had come to trust these people with my daughter.  I had to leave all skepticism at the door and truly have faith that they would do their best for Kalie.  And they did.  I couldn't be happier.  The tears that I cry now, are no longer tears of grief, of pain, of feeling hopeless.  The tears I cry now are of gratitude, joy, and peace.

For the longest time, I was positive that we were destined to live a life of contention.  I was sure that Kalie would hate me forever and that we would never have a close relationship, where she would come talk to me about everything and anything.  I don't feel that way anymore.  In fact, just today, she came home from a sleepover at her grandparents house and she ran in and hugged me right away and said "I missed you, Mom."  She chose to hold my hand while we were out.  So this is what it's like? 

  She has changed so much.  I hope that you all will be able to see the change in her- in her countenance, in her smile, in her laugh.  She is so much more confident, she shares by choice, she loves playing with her sister, she asks to help.  It's truly amazing.  She's been doing swim lessons this summer and is loving it.  She has also started piano!  That was something I wasn't sure she would be able to do.  I tried teaching her last year and it was awful.  There was the constant bickering between us and also her capability to understand (and remember) what was being taught.  Today, we played our first duet together. 

  When I picked Kalie up from Brain Balance and walked out the door, it was as if I could breathe again.  We made it.  When I was sure our family was going to crumble, we were able to stand strong with each other, for each other, and remain as one.  I could finally put this chapter behind us and it was almost as if I was seeing our new life flash before my eyes.  I could feel peace.  I felt like we could finally begin our journey to forever. 

  I am truly grateful for the chance we have been given to enroll Kalie into Brain Balance.  I don't know what we would have done without it.  I would never have been given the guidance in nutrition.  We would've been on a never ending path to destruction, and never knowing how to help her. 

  I am also very, very grateful to everyone that has offered prayers, and thoughts, in our behalf.  We have felt the strength from those prayers, and I know that Kalie has too.  Thank you.

Prayer and Answers

"Perhaps there has never been a time when we had greater need to pray and to teach our family members to pray. Prayer is a defense against temptation. It is through earnest and heartfelt prayer that we can receive the needed blessings and the support required to make our way in this sometimes difficult and challenging journey we call mortality.”

Three Goals to Guide You Thomas S. Monson

 

"We are told in the scriptures that Satan will tempt us in the last days before the Savior comes again. For this reason, our children need to know that God and Jesus Christ will always love them and answer their prayers. This knowledge will bring them abiding strength.”

Teaching by Faith Robert D. Hales

 

I've felt impressed to share some experiences that we have had as a family, so here we go.

 

Three weeks ago, we were having an up and down week with Kalie.  I was starting to feel like we had wasted our money. I was feeling a little doubtful that what we were doing was actually working.  I was worried that they would tell us she needs another round of Brain Balance, and I knew that that was something we COULD NOT afford, period.  Things just seemed to be working against my faith.  All the kids seemed to be extra crazy a particular night, and I knew I was losing my patience and so did Charlie.  He told me to go have some time alone, so I went into my bedroom, locked the door, and dramatically threw myself onto the bed.  Ok, maybe not so dramatically, but I laid down and did what I usually do in these stressful times.  I started to pour my heart out, to my Heavenly Father.  I was scared.  I just didn't know what we were going to do, and how we would do it.  I didn't know how I was going to endure.  I remember asking for guidance and strength.  The next day was mother's day.  I told Kalie that all I wanted was for her to be happy all day.  She was.  It didn't stop that night though.  She did a complete 360.  All week, she was so happy.  She was helpful, and kind.  She did all of her exercises, everyday, without complaining.  It was so crazy.   I started to see my prayer being answered.  I had this calm feeling that everything would be ok, that we wouldn't have to do another round, and that everything would work out how its supposed to and when its supposed to.  

 

I've said many times that this is an expensive program, not only the program, but also the food.  They aren't kidding when they say it's expensive to eat healthy, which is really unfortunate in my opinion. They preach and preach that everyone needs to eat organic but then make it $2 more than you would normally pay! Nobody wants weird preservatives, words they can't even pronounce, in the food they give their kids but let's be honest, not everyone is able to afford the organic food.   In the past month, and in the month to come, Charlie has been able to pick up ALOT of overtime and ALOT of callout.  Now, it took my husband to bring this to my attention that this overtime and callout really is an answer to our prayers and a huge blessing.  Last week he worked so much that I could count on my two hands the time we saw him.  It was hard.  It is really a blessing, though, that he has this job that he is allowed to pick up this extra work, and the situations that made it possible. 

 

Last week, Wednesday, Kalie came home from Brain Balance extra hungry.  Charlie had gone into work early this day so I was trying to get her through her homework and do some exercises all while trying to get dinner made, fast.   She started to cry and repeatedly told me how hungry she was and was just getting frustrated.  She couldn't calm herself down, and I was feeling a little frantic.  4:30 pm and on is the witching hour for my kids.  It's just a crazy time!  I felt myself getting angry and losing patience and then we started yelling at eachother. I had to stop this.  I stopped and asked Kalie to go to her room and pray, I was going to say a prayer myself.  At first she refused.  She said she didn't feel like praying, she didn't want to pray, she didn't know how to pray.  I just told her to talk to Heavenly Father and ask him to help her and us.  I sat down, gave her some time.  I honestly didn't think she was going to do it.  She got quiet though.  I still thought 'Oh she has probably calmed herself down and is reading or something' but when I peeked in, I saw her on her knees, by her bed, praying.  This was such an amazing thing to witness.   She came out a few minutes later, completely calm, and ready to start over. 

 

These experiences have been so humbling.  Like the quote above says, " ' It is through earnest and heartfelt prayer that we can receive the needed blessings and the support required to make our way in this sometimes difficult and challenging journey we call mortality.' ”  I truly believe that with all my heart.  I've never felt closer to Heavenly Father than I have these last 6 months or so.  I know that it is because of the prayers that we have said, individually, and as a family, and those said on our behalf. He has answered our prayers in so many different ways and it has been an experience full of gratitude and humility.  I am so grateful that we have been able to have these experiences as a family, that we have been able to grow, and the knowledge that we will continue to grow forever, together.

Progress and Reintroduction

I met with Briana, the director at Brain Balance, on Friday to discuss Kalie's progress for the second month.  She is still doing so good.  I don't remember if I already said this, but they were thinking of switching her exercises during her time at Brain Balance to target her right side.  The reason they were thinking of doing this is because Kalie's behavior was still up and down and they have had to do a stair step method before to balance the brain.  Basically, her left side could've been getting hyper stimulated.   It seems to have helped because she has been really good.  Don't get me wrong, we have had days when she is emotional but there were always other obvious causes.  I knew, for sure, that she was extra tired on some of those days.  She also complained about being hungry still right after she ate her snack.  I found out she hadn't been eating her cashews (I tried a new kind, she didn't like them) so she was having "the crash" from not enough protein. 

The other day I was thinking, you know, she is a six almost seven year old.  They are going to have attitude at some times.  There are times when I think she is going backwards but it could possibly be a typical seven year old behavior.  I've seen plenty of kids her age give a little sass and stubbornness at some point.  And honestly, the girl has those two traits streaming through her blood so.. too bad for her future husband?  No, I'm just kidding.. maybe ; I have just learned to not instantly think the worse possibility. 

Kalie has about 5 weeks left of Brain Balance. Now that her behavior has leveled out, we have decided to start her food reintroduction.  She has 13 foods to reintroduce.  After we have been doing the introductions for a little while, we will also be able to have foods off of her mild list like a normal food (every other day)! We just have to watch to make sure she isn't reacting.  Since we have such a short time left with Brain Balance and so many foods to introduce, we are going to do 2 foods a week.  One every four days.  This is how it works:  We give her food, and a lot of it, throughout the day.  Then for 3 days after she can't have it again.  During those 3 days we are looking for backwards behavior, bad school work.  If there aren't any reactions, we can move forward to the next food.  If we do notice extreme reactions she isn't supposed to have that food again for another 30 days.  Today we started with garlic.  If all goes well, we will move on to almond.  It's all very exciting to me.  I'm really excited for Kalie to have more food in her diet and I'm just hoping that she won't react to anything. 

Through this whole process Kalie has been such a trooper, and so willing to follow these diet guidelines. Now that we are so close to the end, I have been noticing (and hearing) that she is wanting what everyone else is eating.  I've tried so hard here at home to make things fair as far as eating goes. I've altered tons of recipes, and tried (and failed) tons of new ones. I've learned to make vegan bread, and we call it her "special bread".  I just can't seem to figure out other vegan baked goods though.  I've tried and failed.  She has asked me several times when she is going to get to eat cupcakes or ' I wish I could have a cupcake'.   It's just been getting to me lately.  Yesterday, at our family dinner, I had to sneak away into the bathroom while everyone was eating dessert.  I was helping everyone get their ice cream or cake and I looked over and saw Kalie with her all fruit popsicle, which she really does like, staring at all her siblings and cousins eating their normal desserts.  For that one second,  I could see in her eyes, the longing to eat what everyone else was eating. I could tell that she wanted it more than normal and she couldn't.  I could tell that she felt a little sad, in that one second, but that she knew she had to push that aside and eat her popsicle.  So I snuck into the bathroom and took some really deep breaths so that I didn't break down in front of everyone.   I'm just ready, not for myself, but for her. 

Mothers

Today is Mother's Day. 

I wanted to take the time to recognize all the mothers that have guided me.  First, my mother.  I am truly grateful to have a mother that cares.  We have been through so much-ups and downs, and she is still always around for me.  She is such a caring grandmother to my children, and has always been willing to watch them or help me after I've had a baby, bring in food, clean.  So thank you, mom.  I love you. 

Next, my amazing sister.  Where do I start?  I have always looked up to my sister.  We are 9 years apart so growing up, we weren't that close.  She went away to college when I was 9.  I LOVED when she came back home, especially when I was older so I could borrow some of her cool college clothes.  When I became a mother, we had an even greater bond. We even had three pregnancies at the same time-each time our due dates were 3 weeks apart! She has helped me more than she could ever know.  Love you, Marchelle.

I am also grateful for my mother in law. She raised such a hard working boy, and I believe my husband is the way he is now because of her.  He tells me all the time that they had to clean everyday because his mom "made them."  Well, I'm thankful for that.  His normal everyday chores were more tedious than my once a week Saturday chores and it shows.  He cleans way better than me. It's almost annoying how he can clean the entire kitchen and mop and clean the living room and the bathrooms in 2 hours.  I can barely do that in a whole day.  He gives his all into everything he does.

I am grateful to my sweet grandmothers.  They raised amazing children.  They were and are amazing examples of charity, kindness, love. 

And lastly, I wanted to share a few words with all of you mothers reading this. 

While this journey has definitely not been an easy one, I really wouldn't want to be anywhere else but here.  I'm not going to say that I wouldn't change a thing, because that would be a lie.  We are mothers.  There are always going to be things we would've gone back and changed.  We wouldn't have lost our temper over the chocolate milk that was just spilled down a brand new white shirt.  We wouldn't have resorted to spanking when we felt like nothing else was working.  We wouldn't have yelled at our kids.  We would've tried to understand them first, before getting angry.  It's how it is though, and we move forward. 

 

I am 26 years old.  I was 19 when I had Kalie.  I was young and inexperienced.  But it was life changing.  For the first few years, I would often think of all my friends that were living a "normal college life."  I would be envious of them.  Those years are the years that you're supposed to find yourself, find out who you are and mature.  I had to mature on June 30, 2006, a year after I graduated high school, when they laid that little baby girl into my trembling arms.  I no longer had to worry about just myself, but a sweet child of God that had been given to me.   I remember when I had that moment though.  The moment when I realized, as hard as this is, as much as I would like to be able to go out whenever I wanted to, I am so content with this blessing called motherhood.   I remember feeling so grateful that I am able to have children, when I've seen so many others bear the heartache of not being able to.   With each child I have had, I have become a little more understanding of all mothers.  I have felt hurt, pain, confusion, depression, sadness, anguish, loneliness, cried numerous amounts of tears-of pain and joy,  felt inadequate to be a mother.  I know all of you have felt these things and more.   While I've been writing this blog I have wanted to help and relate to mothers going through similar experiences, but I hope that even if you don't have a child with different issues, you can be inspired as well.   I hope  you can know it's ok to feel these things, because all of us mothers do.  What I have learned though, in my 7 years of parenting, is that we can't believe those feelings of inadequacy, or that we are alone, like no one can relate.  We must press on and find joy in our journeys. We can all relate to each other in some way. Think of how much joy there is in this journey of motherhood.  The joyous times we have had with Kalie are what I cling to.  I know that they are there and I will not stop until I find them again.  I am so grateful for the laughs and the hugs, the silly times, dancing and singing together, times spent reading together, coloring together.  I am grateful for all you mothers doing your best, and fulfilling your calling of being a mother.  You are all examples to me in some way. 

 

 Have any of you read the book I Am A Mother by Jane Clayson Johnson?  If you haven't, I suggest you go read it, now.  This book was so inspiring to me and really helped me understand motherhood more, and realize how many moms feel the exact same way.   There is a story in it about a young divorced mother of seven children and this is her story:  "' As I turned around to walk back home, I could see my house lighted up.   I could hear echoes of my children as I had walked out of the door a few minutes earlier.  They were saying: "Mom, what are we going to have for dinner?" "Can you take me to the library?" "I have to get some poster paper tonight." Tired and weary, I looked at that house and saw the light on in each other rooms.  I thought of all those children who were home waiting for me to come and meet their needs.  My burdens felt heavier than I could bear. 

 " 'I remember looking through tears toward the sky, and I said, "Dear Father, I just can't do it tonight.  I'm too tired.  I can't face it.  I can't go home and take care of all those children alone.  Could I just come to You and stay with You for just one night? I'll come back in the morning." 

" 'I didn't really hear the words of reply, but I heard them in my mind.  The answer was: "No, little one, you can't come to me now.  You would never wish to come back.  But I can come to you'".

 

I just love this!  I have definitely thought this before, yesterday, in fact.  It's so easy to want to remove yourself just for a night from the busyness of being a mother.  Then I read quotes like this from Sheri Dew: "'it's no wonder that Satan has declared war on motherhood.  He knows that those who rock the cradle can rock his earthly empire.  And he knows that without righteous mothers loving and leading the next generation, the kingdom of God will fail.  When we understand the magnitude of motherhood, it becomes clear why prophets have been so protective of woman's most sacred role'".  When I read this quote, I remember my purpose.  I remember just how important it is that I remain righteous and loving, for my children, for Kalie.  I have to strongly declare "I am a mother" and follow the examples of all the mothers in my life.

 

 Happy Mother's Day everyone.

Listen to my favorite mothers day song ever!

What's next?

I had a meeting yesterday with Amy and the purpose of the meeting was to discuss how we were going to reintroduce foods next week. We have been up and down this last week with behavior and her school work. Our plan was to take garlic and hazelnut out to see if that would help.  We didn't see much change with that.  With talking to Amy and Brianna at Brain Balance we decided there could be different reasons for this change in Kalie. 

1. She might not be getting enough to eat and is hungry.  (She has complained about being hungry right after eating) 

2. She could also be tired.  Kalie has really long days.  Mondays she is up at 6:30, gets out of school at 2:11, goes straight to Brain Balance until 3:30, comes home and does homework and BB exercises, then has a baseball game at either 5:15 or 6:30 for an hour.  Now I see HALT coming into play.  Remember HALT? Hungry, angry, lonely, tired. 

3. Yesterday we decided that I haven't been doing her diet 100% like I thought.  The sugar intake was higher than it should be, and it could be affecting her. 

4. Brianna said that sometimes the left brain gets hyper-stimulated and they have to balance it more with the right brain by doing right brain exercises. 

    There are several different possible culprits. For now, we decided that we are going to keep a food log for 2 more weeks to make sure that I am keeping her mild food to twice a day.  I am also going to give her a lot more with her meals.  As in, giving her more quantity.  I gave her ALOT with her meals today and she was so good! I don't know if that is what it is yet, we will have to see after I make it a habit.  We had a complete 360 today though.  She was so pleasant this morning, she was happy after school, after Brain Balance, all night.  She even did ALL of her exercises.  She told me she loves me. It was just like a few weeks ago and I hope that we can keep it up. 

  So I know you're all wondering, what's next?  So far, this is what we know is next.  For the two weeks we will keep the food log.  We will make sure to keep to the two days a week for the mild list.  We're going to try to avoid untested foods as well.  That one is pretty hard and I'm not super worried about that one.  After the two weeks, if we've noticed a change in Kalie, we will start introducing foods starting with her moderate list.  She has 13 foods to reintroduce.  Normally, we have been told, they like to do one food a week.  For Kalie, we are going to introduce two a week.  One every 4 days really.  So we'll introduce almonds then she won't have them again for the 3 days in between. If she is good, with no reaction, we will introduce another food.

   The thought of reintroducing foods is so exciting for me!  Yes, this hasn't been super hard but it will be nice to have more options.  (Please let corn and vanilla be ok!!)  Charlie was just saying how much he misses red meat.  It's been a minute since we had a good steak.  I think a trip to Texas de Brazil is in the works for Charlie and me. ;)