So many emotions

I remember a specific trip to Target.  Kalie was 5, Kyna was 2 and I was pregnant.  Kalie had been asking for EVERYTHING in the store.  You've all been there right?  So, she was really upset, like, livid.  Even though she had been awful through the whole trip I decided that I would stop on our way out and get the girls a drink.  Kalie started screaming. Yes, screaming at the top of her lungs.  She grabbed the cart and tried to pull it over on its side, she took her shoes off and threw them.  I have never, EVER, been so embarrassed in my life.  I was alone, and all I could think was that these people are probably wondering why the heck I was pregnant when I couldn't control my existing children. Picture this if you can- A screaming 5 year old, a pregnant woman trying to hold down her 5 year old and grab her shoes all while pushing a cart full of groceries and 2 year old.  It was a circus. I made it to the car, got everything put in and wrestled Kalie into the car.  Then I sat down, and just cried.  How is this my life, I thought. I felt helpless.  You see, that would be a normal tantrum for a 2 year old, maybe a 3 year old, but a 5 year old?  There had to be something behind this. 

I am a Mormon.  I have been raised up in the church, we are raising our kids in the LDS church.  We believe it with every ounce of our body.  Now, why would I share this? Well, while dealing with Kalie and the struggle that it has been on our entire family, I have always thought- well we just need to be more valiant in reading our scriptures and saying family prayers, having family home evening and that will help Kalie.  I was always taught that if you're doing these things, you will be blessed and your family life will be more peaceful.  So in my mind and my many emotions, I thought that I wasn't doing enough as a mom, that I wasn't teaching them enough of the Gospel.  I felt like a failure.  My faith really wavered at times.  If we were doing these things, why wasn't our life changing? And then sometimes I would think that I was just a crappy mother and didn't know what the heck I was doing, and that I had so far raised a spoiled brat with an attitude like I had when I was 16. Was this to be our life forever?

No. It isn't. But at the time, it felt like it.

I hardly ever wanted to take the kids anywhere because I knew that I was going to have to walk on tip toes around Kalie so she didn't explode.  We would have tons more episodes like this, especially if we had done something fun.  She would be overstimulated and melt down.  We knew it was going to happen, so we started planning around Kalie.  Everyone's life was centered around her and how was she going to react. It gradually got worse and worse.  It was to the point where I was so miserable, I wanted to just give up and leave.  Our home was not a place of peace. 

It's hard to explain this, and as I sit here and type I feel like I'm just rambling.  I just wanted to put out there that I have gone through so many emotions- anger, confusion, embarrassment, guilt, depression, hurt.  After a future meeting, I would find out that this was completely normal for our situation, and cue- HOPE.